Tattoos
At some point in your life, you may consider the purchase of a tattoo. At the time, a tattoo might seem to be a great way to express your individuality, your spirit, or your undying love of Blink 182. Resist this urge.
Are all tattoos are bad? Of course not. There are certain segments of society for whom tattooing is acceptable - even appropriate. Below are these segments. Find where you fit in!
1. You are in the military. Congratulations! You've shown a brave spirit and a commitment to the service and protection of your fellow Americans. Or, alternatively, you've accepted the option given to you by a judge in Moss Point, Mississippi that did not include the phrase "or go to prison." Either way, you're now reading this advice from a computer somewhere in Iraq. War is a terrible thing which can never be understood except by those forced to fight (or so I'm told). You have certainly earned the right to display a symbol of your service somewhere on your person for the rest of your days. Your tattoo will be like a Veterans' Administration card that you can still see in the shower.
2. You've suffered a loss. Condolences! Death is a natural part of life. Keeping a symbol of the one you've lost is a perfectly acceptable method of grieving. This doesn't have to be limited to loved ones who formerly walked on two legs. Many an NBA star has commemorated the loss of a pet with a memorial tattoo. One should not memorialize departed goldfish unless one is excessively tall and/or obese.
3. You're Samoan. Aloha! Many Pacific Islander cultures use ritual tattoos to celebrate entry into adulthood. Be thankful you are not a member of a traditional culture that celebrates entry into adulthood with a ritual tearing of the shoulder muscles (Meso-American). Be disappointed that you are not a member of a traditional culture that celebrates entry into adulthood with the Electric Slide (Judaism).
IMPORTANT NOTE: If you are a member of one of these "tattoo appropriate groups," your tattoo must correspond to your appropriate classification. If you are Samoan you should receive traditional Samoan tattoos, which do not include butterflies, lady bugs, or Chinese characters translating to "Snowboarding Rules." If you are mourning the loss of your grandfather, your tattoo should not express your devotion to Nine Inch Nails (unless your grandfather was Trent Reznor). If you are a Marine your tattoo should express your Esprit de Corps, not your Esprit de Tribal Armband.
Under no circumstances should female tattoo seekers place their tattoo in the small of the back, as this will send signals condemning the wearer to a lifetime of being hit on by guys named "Brodie" and "the Deuce."
Are all tattoos are bad? Of course not. There are certain segments of society for whom tattooing is acceptable - even appropriate. Below are these segments. Find where you fit in!
1. You are in the military. Congratulations! You've shown a brave spirit and a commitment to the service and protection of your fellow Americans. Or, alternatively, you've accepted the option given to you by a judge in Moss Point, Mississippi that did not include the phrase "or go to prison." Either way, you're now reading this advice from a computer somewhere in Iraq. War is a terrible thing which can never be understood except by those forced to fight (or so I'm told). You have certainly earned the right to display a symbol of your service somewhere on your person for the rest of your days. Your tattoo will be like a Veterans' Administration card that you can still see in the shower.
2. You've suffered a loss. Condolences! Death is a natural part of life. Keeping a symbol of the one you've lost is a perfectly acceptable method of grieving. This doesn't have to be limited to loved ones who formerly walked on two legs. Many an NBA star has commemorated the loss of a pet with a memorial tattoo. One should not memorialize departed goldfish unless one is excessively tall and/or obese.
3. You're Samoan. Aloha! Many Pacific Islander cultures use ritual tattoos to celebrate entry into adulthood. Be thankful you are not a member of a traditional culture that celebrates entry into adulthood with a ritual tearing of the shoulder muscles (Meso-American). Be disappointed that you are not a member of a traditional culture that celebrates entry into adulthood with the Electric Slide (Judaism).
IMPORTANT NOTE: If you are a member of one of these "tattoo appropriate groups," your tattoo must correspond to your appropriate classification. If you are Samoan you should receive traditional Samoan tattoos, which do not include butterflies, lady bugs, or Chinese characters translating to "Snowboarding Rules." If you are mourning the loss of your grandfather, your tattoo should not express your devotion to Nine Inch Nails (unless your grandfather was Trent Reznor). If you are a Marine your tattoo should express your Esprit de Corps, not your Esprit de Tribal Armband.
Under no circumstances should female tattoo seekers place their tattoo in the small of the back, as this will send signals condemning the wearer to a lifetime of being hit on by guys named "Brodie" and "the Deuce."
posted by Matt at 11:12 PM
2 Comments:
So you are saying I should not get a "tramp stamp" that outlines my disappointment (in chinese characters) in not having a huge wedding-style banquet for my thirteenth birthday? Got it. Thanks for the advice, Matt.
I just enjoyed this entry, and will add you to my blog's links page as soon as you have posted at least 2 (two) entries.
Post a Comment
<< Home